AT RISE:
The stage is bare bar a slightly raised wooden platform.....for hanging. A couple of ropes dangle, shaped like nooses. As you can imagine, they aren’t too happy.
TRIALIST 1 and TRIALIST 2 enter, cuffed, in raggedy clothes, and chains around their feet. They shuffle on, followed promptly by a HOODED EXECUTIONER, who wears an SILVER MASK.
They stop, waiting. Trialist 1 is shy, quiet, quite timid. Like he shouldn’t be here.
Trialist 2 on the other hand, is almost fidgety, agitated to get on with things but entirely comfortable. Like he’s used to it.
It’s silent for a brief few moments.
TRIALIST 2: Psst.
Trialist 1 doesn’t respond.
TRIALIST 2: Hey pal. Pssst. Over here.
Nothing. If anything Trialist 1 turns away, Trialist 2 gasps, taken aback.
TRIALIST 2: The cheek of it. (Turns to Executioner) Can you believe how rude that was?
The Hooded Executioner turns slowly to him and stares, menacingly through her mask. Trialist 2 beams at her.
TRIALIST 2: Oh I bet that look gets all the girls going.
Hooded Executioner turns away and exits.
TRIALIST 2: Barrel of laughs you are by Christ.
It’s silent for a moment or two then.
TRIALIST 2: Hey. mate. (Still no response) Listen pal we may as well talk to each other while we’ve both got the chance. Same boat and all that.
Trialist 1 looks over, timidly.
TRIALIST 1: I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you.
TRIALIST 2: Nervous?
TRIALIST 1: Aye.
TRIALIST 2: First time?
TRIALIST 1: First time?
TRIALIST 2: Aye, first time?
TRIALIST 1: They only do this once, ye know.
TRIALIST 2: Ah ye would be surprised.
TRIALIST 1: (shouting off) Can someone speed this up? (to Trialist 2) Nae offence.
TRIALIST 2: Aye, none taken. Ah I remember my first time. Popping my Capital Punishment Cherry so to speak.
TRIALIST 1: This only happens the once, ye don’t get multiple goes.
TRIALIST 2: Are you kidding? This is my 4th time.
TRIALIST 1: Hang on, what?
TRIALIST 2: That’s right. 4th time.
He’s proud of it. Dead proud. Badge of honour proud.
TRIALIST 1: That’s a pile of shite.
TRIALIST 2: Scout’s honour.
TRIALIST 1: There’s no way you’ve been up here four times.
TRIALIST 2: How no?
TRIALIST 1: Because, we’ll I mean you’d be dead, surely.
TRIALIST 2: Ah ha but you underestimate me and you overestimate people’s ability to do their job.
TRIALIST 1: I don’t believe you.
TRIALIST 2: Dae I look like the kind of person who would lie?
TRIALIST 1: So what, yer just up here as a volunteer are ye?
TRIALIST 2: Fair point.
TRIALIST 1: Let’s just no talk eh? This isnae how I want to go.
TRIALIST 2: Fine.
Pause. Trialist 1 keeps looking over. Glancing. Trialist 2 minding their own business.
TRIALIST 1: Right. How’s it four times?
TRIALIST 2: Ha! Everyone always wants to know the stories!
TRIALIST 1: Aw forget it.
TRIALIST 2: Naw naw, I’ll tell it. Right so first time, I was pardoned, turned out they’d got the wrong guy.
TRIALIST 1: You were innocent?
TRIALIST 2: Aw naw I was guilty as sin, just of a different crime. Second time, I’d managed to bribe Claudia Winkleman ower here to cut the rope a little so that when the door opened and I fell through, I’d just hit the ground and be able to run away.
TRIALIST 1: How come yer here?
TRIALIST 1: Broke my ankle. Didnae think that one through. Anyway the third time, which was the time before now, I was waiting to go when PHHHHUT.
TRIALIST 1: PHUT?
TRIALIST 2: Aye. Phut. Someone took out the Government official from the crowd. They had to call the whole thing off and get us back indoors. It was mental.
TRIALIST 1: You’ve been hell of a lucky.
TRIALIST 2: That’s right. I’m a survivor. Someone’s looking out for me. Call it a Darwinian Intervention.
TRIALIST 1: A what?
TRIALIST 2: Darwinian. Survival of the fittest. Obviously I’m one of the fittest so Darwin’s pulling wee strings here and there to keep me ticking over.
TRIALIST 1: Jesus Chri--it’s Divine.
TRIALIST 2: You can say that again.
TRIALIST 1: No it’s, there’s no such a thing as a Darwinian Intervention. It’s called a Divine Intervention.
TRIALIST 2: Divine Intervention?
TRIALIST 1: Aye.
TRIALIST 2: Divine Intervention? Like tae dae wae God and shit?
TRIALIST 1: To do with God and shit? Was your crime by any chance crimes against the English language?
TRIALIST 2: Eh, what’s that supposed to mean?
TRIALIST 1: God and shit. What’s that meant to articulate?
TRIALIST 2: Oh I see. You’re one of those wankers.
TRIALIST 1: One of what wankers?
TRIALIST 2: One of those “I’ve read a few books now I’m smarter than everyone” wankers. Bet you didnae even dae a proper crime.
TRIALIST 1: Eh, aye, I did.
TRIALIST 2: Nah, ye’ve no got it in ye.
TRIALIST 1: Excuse me, but I’ve got every bit of a right tae be up here as you.
TRIALIST 2: White Collar Crime was it aye? Suhin tae dae with the pension funds was it? Steal Daddy’s car did ye?
TRIALIST 1: I don’t have tae put up wae this.
TRIALIST 2: What ye gonnae dae, upgrade tae the first class executioners’s block? Dinnae want tae rough it wae us here in coach?
TRIALIST 1: I--I--
Trialist 1 shuffles away, putting no distance between them at all.
TRIALIST 2: Oh Christ. Aye. That worked a treat that did. Where did he go? (to executioner) Did ye see him? Quick, quick, I think he’s done a runner. We--aw naw, wait. There he is. Dafty.
TRIALIST 1: Right, c’mere you--
And Trialist 1 makes a wee dive for Trialist 2 who skips out of his reach, just as the HOODED EXECUTIONER returns.
EXECUTIONER: Here, pack it in. The pair of ye.
TRIALIST 2: He started it.
EXECUTIONER: Aye, cos you’re always making friends.
TRIALIST 2: I cannae hear a word yer saying. Yer mumbling.
Executioner takes the hood and mask off.
EXECUTIONER: Aw thank god for that. Roasting under that. I said, aye, cos you’re always making friends.
TRIALIST 2: You know me, always want to make a pal for the next life. Here, something’s different.
EXECUTIONER: What dae ye mean?
TRIALIST 2: Something’s different. Have ye had yer hair done?
EXECUTIONER: I have actually. Thank you for noticing.
TRIALIST 2: And is that a new lippy yer wearing?
EXECUTIONER: Aye, thought I’d give it a wee go.
TRIALIST 2: Suits ye. Shame yer hiding it under the mask and hood.
EXECUTIONER: Aye well, got tae keep up appearances eh. Get in character.
TRIALIST 2: How’s the missus?
EXECUTIONER: Fine aye she’s fine. That wine you suggested by the way--
TRIALIST 2: Go down well did it?
EXECUTIONER: Like a bloody well house on fire it did. Good choice.
TRIALIST 2: I know my drink.
TRIALIST 1: Eh, I’m sorry tae interrupt this episode o Loose Women but any chance we can get this on the road?
EXECUTIONER: Excuse me - we’re having a conversation here. Someone’s keen.
TRIALIST 2: Dinnae even get me started. Cannae get a smile or laugh out o this yin at all.
EXECUTIONER: Many times are we on now then? 3rd?
TRIALIST 2: 4th.
EXECUTIONER: 4th time’s the charm as they say. Right, better get on wae this. Hood on?
TRIALIST 2: Nah, aff.
EXECUTIONER: You have both been tried and found guilty of crimes against the state, your fellow humans-
TRIALIST 2: -Fellow humans? That’s new.
EXECUTIONER: Aye, well, thought I’d try something different. Jazz it up a wee bit. Why, what’s wrong with it?
TRIALIST 2: Well, a mean, it’s wee bit grandiose, is it naw? (to Trialist 1) See, I dae know big words.
TRIALIST 1: Oh for crying out loud.
EXECUTIONER: Just listen the pair of ye. I’ve been working my arse aff on this.
TRIALIST 2: Sorry. Continue.
EXECUTIONER: By order of The Department for Public Execution, you have been found guilty of crimes punishable by death. And so the punishment shall pass. God may have mercy on your souls.
Executioner nods to Trialist 2 who nods and then turns to the lever. She pulls it. Nothing happens. She stands there. She hesitates a moment, tries again and again and again but nothing.
EXECUTIONER: Oh for fuck sake.
TRIALIST 2: Naw working?
TRIALIST 1: Oh thank god. We’ve been spared.
EXECUTIONER: It worked this morning in rehearsals.
TRIALIST 2: Have you tried pulling it the other way?
TRIALIST 1: What are ye doing?
TRIALIST 2: Just trying tae be helpful.
Executioner tries pulling the lever the other way.
EXECUTIONER: Nope that didn’t work either.
TRIALIST 2: Then I don’t know.
EXECUTIONER: I really am sorry about this. This really never happens.
TRIALIST 1: It’s OK. We’re in nae rush.
EXECUTIONER: Still. It’s unprofessional. I’ll get my arse kicked for this.
TRIALIST 2: Ach dinnae worry. Dae ye want me to give it a go?
TRIALIST 1: Why are you trying tae help?
TRIALIST 2: Well I dinnae want her getting in trouble, dae a?
TRIALIST 1: I give up.
TRIALIST 2: I know. They can’t just leave us hanging like this.
He winks at the others.
TRIALIST 2: Get it, hanging. No?
Nothing.
TRIALIST 1: This is ridiculous though. You’d think you’d know what you were doing.
EXECUTIONER: You try organising an execution. It’s not all straightforward. I don’t see why we can’t just firing squad the lot of you.
TRIALIST 2: Lacks flair, dunnit? No ceremony. The people love a good ceremony.
EXECUTIONER: That’s true.
TRIALIST 1: Look, is this going to take long?
EXECUTIONER: Why, do you have somewhere to be?
TRIALIST 1: Well, I didn’t think we’d be left stranded out like this. I feel exposed. Besides, I’m sick of hearing this yin witter on.
TRIALIST 2: Charming.
EXECUTIONER: I’m sorry. We’re supposed to be getting new equipment in but it’s taking ages. We’re stuck with this shite.
TRIALIST 2: Typical, eh?
EXECUTIONER:
Aye. I’ll just go and get someone to fix it.
A long silence. Executioner exits the stage.
TRIALIST 2: What about a sing-song?
TRIALIST 1: Aye alright Eric Idle, why don’t you start us off.
TRIALIST 2: There’s no need to get so crabbit.
TRIALIST 1: I’m being hung for a crime I didn’t commit, if I can’t be crabbit now, when can I?
TRIALIST 2: Aw here we go. The “I didnae dae it” patter. Save it.
EXECUTIONER: Aye, save it.
TRIALIST 1: Fine.
Long silence.
TRIALIST 1: This really is ludicrous. I’ve a good mind to write a strongly worded letter when all this is over.
TRIALIST 2: You better have a good postman then. Why don’t we play a game?
TRIALIST 1: Why don’t you shut the fuck up?
TRIALIST 2: Well excuse me for trying to lighten the mood.
TRIALIST 1: I never imagined it to be like this. I thought it’d be over, in a flash. Not drawn out.
TRIALIST 2: Oh God.
TRIALIST 1: What?
TRIALIST 2: You won’t believe it.
TRIALIST 1: What?
TRIALIST 2: I’ve got an itch.
TRIALIST 1: (shouting) Listen let me down and I’ll fix it myself, I can’t listen to another word of this.
TRIALIST 2: You really are a tough customer aren’t you?
TRIALIST 1: This is all my fucking sister’s fault.
TRIALIST 2: How do you mean?
TRIALIST 1: She’s into all her prayer shit and that isn’t she? She’ll have prayed for a divine intervention or some bullshit and this is what she’s got. I telt her I didnae need any of that, but naw she’s obviously insisted on whipping out her rosary beads and giving it a go anyway. Well brilliant. Thanks a lot sis.
TRIALIST 2: That’s quite sweet really.
TRIALIST 1: How? How is it sweet?
TRIALIST 2: Well you’ve got someone out there that cares. Least your leaving something behind. Me? 4 times, I’ve been up here and nuhin. My best pal is the one that keeps trying tae kill me. How sad is that? Nae offence.
EXECUTIONER: None taken.
TRIALIST 1: I suppose.
TRIALIST 2: Young sister or older?
TRIALIST 1: Like I’m telling you.
TRIALIST 2: What, are you afraid I’m going to hit on her from beyond the grave?
TRIALIST 1: Wrap that now. The last thing I want to think about is my sister sleeping with a stranger.
TRIALIST 2: Dae you think I’m coming back as Casper the Horny Ghost or suhin? Calm doon man.
The Executioner returns with a manual titled: The Department for Public Execution: User’s Guide.
TRIALIST 1: Seriously, are we nearly there yet. This is taking the piss now.
TRIALIST 2: I had dreams myself, you know.
TRIALIST 1: Oh God, here we go.
TRIALIST 2: Lots of dreams. I was going to be somebody. But instead, I made a few choices that were, in hindsight, regrettable, but I never expected to end up here.
TRIALIST 1: Oh would you shut up. We are bad people. And we’re filling out our due.
TRIALIST 2: You are a pure downer man.
EXECUTIONER: Right. I think that’s it fixed. Here goes nothing.
Pulls the lever again. Nothing.
TRIALIST 1: Seriously.
EXECUTIONER: For crying out loud.
TRIALIST 2: Here, let me have a look at it.
EXECUTIONER: Naw. Forget it. This isn’t worth it. We’ll try again another time.
TRIALIST 2: Yas! Darwin baby! Lives of a friggin cat!
She frees Trialist 2 first.
TRIALIST 2: Cheers.
Trialist 2 looks at the lever.
TRIALIST 2: It must be something to do with--
Trialist 2 touches the lever. It springs into action and--
--Trialist 1 falls.
Silence.
TRIALIST 2: Shit.
LIGHTS FADE.
Something a little bit different this week for Toasted Fiction as I share the script for a short play I’ve written which is currently treading the boards!
It's been a while since I’ve written for the stage so it was a lovely return this week with my short dark comedy play, When The Lever Breaks.
The play is being produced by Short Attention Span Theatre as part of their regular run which features six short plays, celebrating new writing.
Last night (Wednesday 10th July) was opening night of the tour which takes in Glasgow and Ayr with a whopping SEVEN shows.
What a cast, director and team behind SAST. It has been a great experience and I’ve loved having a short play out in front of audience again; there really is nothing like it! Thankfully there was laughter in all the right places.
Given that my Substack audience is scattered across the globe and you likely won’t get the chance to see it, I thought this week’s story (in lieu of the next chapter in the SEARCH series - which is coming) I thought I’d share the script. If you can’t experience it live, you can still get to experience it as a reader.
Thank you for the support by subscribing, reading and sharing Toasted Fiction. As always, it means a lot.
Cheers
Cx
Thoroughly enjoyed this (literal) gallows humour!
Brilliantly done, Chris and another great last line 👏😁